J
Jerry
Guest
Sorry it’s took so long folks but this has certainly taught me a lesson, from now on I won’t make the mistake of announcing things before they’re finished
Anyway, here it is, I hope it was worth the wait!
THE SAGA SAGA
A whimsy from the pen of Jerryd
All characters in this load of lunacy are completely fictitious
However any resemblance to real people is completely intentional
The producer would like to assure everybody that no animals were hurt in any way during the making of this Epic, except for my faithful hound Mackie, who suffered a nervous breakdown when I collapsed from sheer exhaustion and fell on top of him, since when he’s been strangely quiet, I think he’s re-evaluating our relationship.
But enough of this.
Let us begin……….
So there they all were at Southampton Docks all boarded and ready to sail
The ladies of BRA in their best summer frocks, this then is the start of our tale
Their annual Hols , courtesy of Saga, a girls-only cruise round the Med
They’ll eat ‘til they burst and drink ‘til they’re gaga, you know what they’re like, enough said
The ship then set sail for the fair coast of France, the crowd cheered, the band played a tune
That night on the top deck the BRA ladies sang and danced to the light of the moon
Next day they awoke off the Portuguese coast all excited, a real happy bunch
They were sat on the top deck eating their toast, the ship shook! an almighty crunch!
Alarms started sounding and panic broke out, the BRA maids cried “What a to do”
The girls, hearts all pounding, were milling about “I bet we’ll miss dinner” said Sue
The crew were all rushing to stem and to stern to try and see what they had hit
The girls all retired to the bar to get drunk, ‘cept for Chris who was having a fit
“I hope it’s not serious” said Diane to the others, “drink up girls it’s Alberta’s round, I don’t know about ships and propellers and rudders, let’s hope that the boat is still sound”
“I’ve looked forward all year to this trip” said Diane, “and I’ve really enjoyed it so far.
Sailing along on this luxury ship, far away from them yobbos at BAR”
“I knew things were going too well” muttered Sue, downing a large Bloody Mary
“Pass me the gin, I don’t know about you, but I find this whole thing really scary”
“Attention all passengers, here is the news” the captain’s voice came on the speaker
“We’ve hit a small boat, but no one was hurt, so things could have been a lot bleaker.
The crew of this boat, drunk to a man, overloaded the whole thing, you see.
They’d set sail for the Med, each one out of his head, and the boat crammed with booze, duty free
They’re a right motley bunch, the whole lot’s out to lunch, they can’t steer and they can’t even swim
They’re the BAR men they say, having their hols, and they just hired the boat on a whim
Their captain, at least, seems to have some idea; he’s an experienced hand, his name’s Jerry
As for his crew, well what can I say? they’d have been better off taking the ferry”
Well their boat has been damaged and needs much repair and I’ve decided, to save all the fuss,
That we’ll take it in tow and invite them aboard, they can sail to Gibraltar with us”
When the BRA maids heard this they were filled with dismay “This can’t be happening” said Kate
“We’ve saved up all year to go on this trip, just look at ‘em God what a state”
“Don’t let ‘em near me, I kid you not girls, I’ll banjo the whole lot” said Grace
“Said Sylvia “You’re right! Keep ‘em out of my sight, they’re just a complete waste of space”
“You mean those buffoons will be sailing with us? They’ve got to be kidding” said Jackie
“All that they’ll do is just eat, drink and cuss, Doreen pass me some more of that saki”
The BAR men came clambering over the rail, looking around them with glee
“Thanks a bunch mate” said Frantic embracing the captain “Where do I go for a pee?”
Said Les to the first mate “you’re all very kind I really must write and thank Saga.
Now I must chat up the BRA girls old son, here have this six pack of lager”
“If you lot are quite ready” said the Captain to Paul “I’ll show you downstairs to your bunks”
As they passed the BRA ladies they heard them all call “Stay down there you shower of drunks”
That night in the grand dining suite they assembled, the BRA ladies dressed for the ball
And the BAR men, in beach shorts and kiss me quick hats. Said Alberta “They’ve got some gall”
Said Reggie to Sue, “I’ve admired you afar oh sweet Sue can I have the next dance?”
“You ask me, stood there, with a fish in your hair, forget it, you ain’t got a chance”
Reg and his fish headed off for the bar, while Frantic, the silver-tongued flirter
Said “You’ll do, alright, just like Veggie Marmite” as he sidled up close to Alberta
“Your Antipodean chat-up has charm, dinkum fair, and you make my pulse race
What spoils it all though is the seaweed in your hair, you blew it, get out of my face”
Frantic withdrew, his sorrows to drown, while Les ambled over to Jackie
“You make my heart pound, let me whirl you around, I hope you don’t think me too tacky”
“If I were you Les I’d forget about whirling and twirling and other such sports
You have more pressing things to attend to, I fear, namely those crabs in your shorts”
While Les rushed outside to dive overboard young John and Rod crossed to Kate’s side
“I saw her first” said Rod to young John “No you didn’t, let’s settle outside”
We’ll settle this matter the BAR way, said John, though others might think it absurd
A beer guzzling contest, a fight to the end, last man standing gets off with the bird”
As they left to do battle, Dennis awoke, looked around him and spotted Doreen
“Please give me a chance, just one little dance, such beauty has rarely been seen”
Said Doreen “I confess, I am swayed by your words, I guess I’m a sucker for schmaltz
Come take my arm and we’ll dance round the room, I’m really quite good at the waltz”
“The thing is, you see” said Dennis red-faced “the only dance I can do is the twist”
“The twist! Are you mad? Forget it you looney, not even if I was drunk!”
Next Rayd approached the radiant Grace, who was finishing off her egg nog
“Oh Gracie, I’m smote by your Beauteous face, any chance of a dance and a snog?”
“That’s the best chat-up line that I’ve heard in an age”
“Yes all of the girls seem to love it”
“Ah, you’ve used that line often before then, I’ll wage, that’s good ‘cos you’ll know where to shove it”
Paul then stood up and approaching Diane, he pulled himself up to full height
“Oh dearest Diane, please say I’m your man and we’ll be wed by the captain this night”
Diane, in her seat, looked up round the room for a moment, then looked down at Paul
“I can’t see this working you see my dream man must be rich, must be handsome, and TALL”
When Alf spotted Sylvia bathed in the light of the globe that was spinning above
He lost all sense of reason, a real sorry sight, the poor fool was smitten with love
“Sylvia, oh Sylvia, I’ll buy you champagne and chocolates and other such stuff
Just say you’ll be mine, don’t turn me away, even though my appearance is rough
Said Sylvia “ I confess that I noticed you earlier when you entered the ballroom forsooth
What caught my eye was your military bearing, your eyes and your lips and that tooth
I mean this sincerely and caringly baby, I’m really not having a moan
If you was the last man on earth well then maybe but until then just leave me alone”
By now the brave BAR men have all left the Ball but wait, there’s one left, why it’s Jerry
He stands at the counter, handsome and tall, watching Chris sipping her sherry
He slowly walks over and taking her hand, he bows, his lips brushing her fingers
Shyly she blushes and pulls back her hand but the feel of his lips, it still lingers
“Please forgive my shipmates, they are lacking in graces, but they mean you no harm whispered Jerry
The captain was right they’re all out of their faces, the next time we will take the ferry”
“It’s nice to find one amongst you with charm” said Chris “and you know what, by heck,
I really don’t think it would do any harm if us two took a stroll round the deck”
They strolled round the deck arm in arm while he told her of triumphs and tragedies past
And after a while his arms did enfold her, he knew he had won her at last
Well billing and cooing became their undoing, the rains came, they looked round for cover
A cabin door open, they both ducked inside “where are we?”
“The control room my lover”
“”It’s on automatic, there’s no one about, we can both shelter here from the weather”
Say you’ll be mine, for there isn’t a doubt that it’s fate that has drawn us together”
“Oh Chris let me hold you once more in my arms, for the taste of your lips I’m a glutton”
“Oh Jerry I cannot resist your great charms, Whoops, my elbow just pressed that big button”
“I’ll put on the light and we’ll see what you’ve done, that button is marked, it says ”anchor”
____________________________________________________________
(Yes, you’ve guessed it, digital readers press the red button etc)
Alarms started sounding and the ship gave a shudder and started to lean to the right
They rushed out on deck and shouted “what’s wrong? What’s causing this panic and fright?”
“Some fool dropped the anchor while we were going full speed and it sent the ship out of control
We swung round full lock and the ship hit a rock, just there, can you see the big hole?”
“This is the captain, can I have your attention, we’ve got one or two problems I think
I’m sorry to bother you but I thought I should mention, we’ve been holed and we’re going to sink”
“That isn’t all, there’s worse still to come, some of the lifeboats are leaking
Well this is a cheap trip and be honest old chum, we don’t use them generally speaking
Well I’ve worked it all out and there’s just enough boats to carry off me and the crew
But not enough room for the passengers as well so here’s what I think you should do
You BRA maids and BAR men, since you caused all this trouble, can all use the BAR men’s hired boat
Even though it’s been damaged and it’s weighed down with booze, for a while it should keep you afloat”
Jerry, fine leader, then rallied them round, “Come lads, let’s rescue the women
If we don’t all get into the boat a bit sharpish the only way home will be swimmin”
Over the side down the rigging they climbed and into the boat with great haste
With the BRA women moaning “All that good food and wine, Gawd what a terrible waste”
They cast off from the ship and they headed away, with the boat sinking low in the sea
“This boat’s overloaded“ said Chris with dismay “And we’re all gonna drown, wait and see”
“Yes the boat’s overloaded and the answer is clear” said Sue in a loud bossy voice
“We must lose all this cargo, get rid of the beer, we really don’t have any choice”
“Now just hold on Sheila, pull your scone in” said Frantic, turning bright red
“Dump all the beer? that would be a great sin, we’ll dump you in the briny instead”
“Now just calm down folks, we’ve had a mishap, that is true but salvation’s in sight
There’s a small unmanned island marked here on this map, it’s just over there on the right
We’ll just head for this island and wait to be saved, we’ve got plenty to eat and to drink
And don’t worry ladies, we’ll be well behaved” he said, but what do you think?
So with the sun slowly rising, there we must leave them, wishing them well on their quest
And the last thing we hear is the BAR men’s voices “Sixteen men on a dead man’s chest”
THE END?
Anyway, here it is, I hope it was worth the wait!
THE SAGA SAGA
A whimsy from the pen of Jerryd
All characters in this load of lunacy are completely fictitious
However any resemblance to real people is completely intentional
The producer would like to assure everybody that no animals were hurt in any way during the making of this Epic, except for my faithful hound Mackie, who suffered a nervous breakdown when I collapsed from sheer exhaustion and fell on top of him, since when he’s been strangely quiet, I think he’s re-evaluating our relationship.
But enough of this.
Let us begin……….
So there they all were at Southampton Docks all boarded and ready to sail
The ladies of BRA in their best summer frocks, this then is the start of our tale
Their annual Hols , courtesy of Saga, a girls-only cruise round the Med
They’ll eat ‘til they burst and drink ‘til they’re gaga, you know what they’re like, enough said
The ship then set sail for the fair coast of France, the crowd cheered, the band played a tune
That night on the top deck the BRA ladies sang and danced to the light of the moon
Next day they awoke off the Portuguese coast all excited, a real happy bunch
They were sat on the top deck eating their toast, the ship shook! an almighty crunch!
Alarms started sounding and panic broke out, the BRA maids cried “What a to do”
The girls, hearts all pounding, were milling about “I bet we’ll miss dinner” said Sue
The crew were all rushing to stem and to stern to try and see what they had hit
The girls all retired to the bar to get drunk, ‘cept for Chris who was having a fit
“I hope it’s not serious” said Diane to the others, “drink up girls it’s Alberta’s round, I don’t know about ships and propellers and rudders, let’s hope that the boat is still sound”
“I’ve looked forward all year to this trip” said Diane, “and I’ve really enjoyed it so far.
Sailing along on this luxury ship, far away from them yobbos at BAR”
“I knew things were going too well” muttered Sue, downing a large Bloody Mary
“Pass me the gin, I don’t know about you, but I find this whole thing really scary”
“Attention all passengers, here is the news” the captain’s voice came on the speaker
“We’ve hit a small boat, but no one was hurt, so things could have been a lot bleaker.
The crew of this boat, drunk to a man, overloaded the whole thing, you see.
They’d set sail for the Med, each one out of his head, and the boat crammed with booze, duty free
They’re a right motley bunch, the whole lot’s out to lunch, they can’t steer and they can’t even swim
They’re the BAR men they say, having their hols, and they just hired the boat on a whim
Their captain, at least, seems to have some idea; he’s an experienced hand, his name’s Jerry
As for his crew, well what can I say? they’d have been better off taking the ferry”
Well their boat has been damaged and needs much repair and I’ve decided, to save all the fuss,
That we’ll take it in tow and invite them aboard, they can sail to Gibraltar with us”
When the BRA maids heard this they were filled with dismay “This can’t be happening” said Kate
“We’ve saved up all year to go on this trip, just look at ‘em God what a state”
“Don’t let ‘em near me, I kid you not girls, I’ll banjo the whole lot” said Grace
“Said Sylvia “You’re right! Keep ‘em out of my sight, they’re just a complete waste of space”
“You mean those buffoons will be sailing with us? They’ve got to be kidding” said Jackie
“All that they’ll do is just eat, drink and cuss, Doreen pass me some more of that saki”
The BAR men came clambering over the rail, looking around them with glee
“Thanks a bunch mate” said Frantic embracing the captain “Where do I go for a pee?”
Said Les to the first mate “you’re all very kind I really must write and thank Saga.
Now I must chat up the BRA girls old son, here have this six pack of lager”
“If you lot are quite ready” said the Captain to Paul “I’ll show you downstairs to your bunks”
As they passed the BRA ladies they heard them all call “Stay down there you shower of drunks”
That night in the grand dining suite they assembled, the BRA ladies dressed for the ball
And the BAR men, in beach shorts and kiss me quick hats. Said Alberta “They’ve got some gall”
Said Reggie to Sue, “I’ve admired you afar oh sweet Sue can I have the next dance?”
“You ask me, stood there, with a fish in your hair, forget it, you ain’t got a chance”
Reg and his fish headed off for the bar, while Frantic, the silver-tongued flirter
Said “You’ll do, alright, just like Veggie Marmite” as he sidled up close to Alberta
“Your Antipodean chat-up has charm, dinkum fair, and you make my pulse race
What spoils it all though is the seaweed in your hair, you blew it, get out of my face”
Frantic withdrew, his sorrows to drown, while Les ambled over to Jackie
“You make my heart pound, let me whirl you around, I hope you don’t think me too tacky”
“If I were you Les I’d forget about whirling and twirling and other such sports
You have more pressing things to attend to, I fear, namely those crabs in your shorts”
While Les rushed outside to dive overboard young John and Rod crossed to Kate’s side
“I saw her first” said Rod to young John “No you didn’t, let’s settle outside”
We’ll settle this matter the BAR way, said John, though others might think it absurd
A beer guzzling contest, a fight to the end, last man standing gets off with the bird”
As they left to do battle, Dennis awoke, looked around him and spotted Doreen
“Please give me a chance, just one little dance, such beauty has rarely been seen”
Said Doreen “I confess, I am swayed by your words, I guess I’m a sucker for schmaltz
Come take my arm and we’ll dance round the room, I’m really quite good at the waltz”
“The thing is, you see” said Dennis red-faced “the only dance I can do is the twist”
“The twist! Are you mad? Forget it you looney, not even if I was drunk!”
Next Rayd approached the radiant Grace, who was finishing off her egg nog
“Oh Gracie, I’m smote by your Beauteous face, any chance of a dance and a snog?”
“That’s the best chat-up line that I’ve heard in an age”
“Yes all of the girls seem to love it”
“Ah, you’ve used that line often before then, I’ll wage, that’s good ‘cos you’ll know where to shove it”
Paul then stood up and approaching Diane, he pulled himself up to full height
“Oh dearest Diane, please say I’m your man and we’ll be wed by the captain this night”
Diane, in her seat, looked up round the room for a moment, then looked down at Paul
“I can’t see this working you see my dream man must be rich, must be handsome, and TALL”
When Alf spotted Sylvia bathed in the light of the globe that was spinning above
He lost all sense of reason, a real sorry sight, the poor fool was smitten with love
“Sylvia, oh Sylvia, I’ll buy you champagne and chocolates and other such stuff
Just say you’ll be mine, don’t turn me away, even though my appearance is rough
Said Sylvia “ I confess that I noticed you earlier when you entered the ballroom forsooth
What caught my eye was your military bearing, your eyes and your lips and that tooth
I mean this sincerely and caringly baby, I’m really not having a moan
If you was the last man on earth well then maybe but until then just leave me alone”
By now the brave BAR men have all left the Ball but wait, there’s one left, why it’s Jerry
He stands at the counter, handsome and tall, watching Chris sipping her sherry
He slowly walks over and taking her hand, he bows, his lips brushing her fingers
Shyly she blushes and pulls back her hand but the feel of his lips, it still lingers
“Please forgive my shipmates, they are lacking in graces, but they mean you no harm whispered Jerry
The captain was right they’re all out of their faces, the next time we will take the ferry”
“It’s nice to find one amongst you with charm” said Chris “and you know what, by heck,
I really don’t think it would do any harm if us two took a stroll round the deck”
They strolled round the deck arm in arm while he told her of triumphs and tragedies past
And after a while his arms did enfold her, he knew he had won her at last
Well billing and cooing became their undoing, the rains came, they looked round for cover
A cabin door open, they both ducked inside “where are we?”
“The control room my lover”
“”It’s on automatic, there’s no one about, we can both shelter here from the weather”
Say you’ll be mine, for there isn’t a doubt that it’s fate that has drawn us together”
“Oh Chris let me hold you once more in my arms, for the taste of your lips I’m a glutton”
“Oh Jerry I cannot resist your great charms, Whoops, my elbow just pressed that big button”
“I’ll put on the light and we’ll see what you’ve done, that button is marked, it says ”anchor”
____________________________________________________________
(Yes, you’ve guessed it, digital readers press the red button etc)
Alarms started sounding and the ship gave a shudder and started to lean to the right
They rushed out on deck and shouted “what’s wrong? What’s causing this panic and fright?”
“Some fool dropped the anchor while we were going full speed and it sent the ship out of control
We swung round full lock and the ship hit a rock, just there, can you see the big hole?”
“This is the captain, can I have your attention, we’ve got one or two problems I think
I’m sorry to bother you but I thought I should mention, we’ve been holed and we’re going to sink”
“That isn’t all, there’s worse still to come, some of the lifeboats are leaking
Well this is a cheap trip and be honest old chum, we don’t use them generally speaking
Well I’ve worked it all out and there’s just enough boats to carry off me and the crew
But not enough room for the passengers as well so here’s what I think you should do
You BRA maids and BAR men, since you caused all this trouble, can all use the BAR men’s hired boat
Even though it’s been damaged and it’s weighed down with booze, for a while it should keep you afloat”
Jerry, fine leader, then rallied them round, “Come lads, let’s rescue the women
If we don’t all get into the boat a bit sharpish the only way home will be swimmin”
Over the side down the rigging they climbed and into the boat with great haste
With the BRA women moaning “All that good food and wine, Gawd what a terrible waste”
They cast off from the ship and they headed away, with the boat sinking low in the sea
“This boat’s overloaded“ said Chris with dismay “And we’re all gonna drown, wait and see”
“Yes the boat’s overloaded and the answer is clear” said Sue in a loud bossy voice
“We must lose all this cargo, get rid of the beer, we really don’t have any choice”
“Now just hold on Sheila, pull your scone in” said Frantic, turning bright red
“Dump all the beer? that would be a great sin, we’ll dump you in the briny instead”
“Now just calm down folks, we’ve had a mishap, that is true but salvation’s in sight
There’s a small unmanned island marked here on this map, it’s just over there on the right
We’ll just head for this island and wait to be saved, we’ve got plenty to eat and to drink
And don’t worry ladies, we’ll be well behaved” he said, but what do you think?
So with the sun slowly rising, there we must leave them, wishing them well on their quest
And the last thing we hear is the BAR men’s voices “Sixteen men on a dead man’s chest”
THE END?
