jerry
Jerry
For the last four Christmases I’ve gone to other people’s houses for dinner, well this year the turkey came home to roost, they all decided to come to me!
Problem:
The hallway, stairs and landing are looking pretty tatty so with the family coming for Christmas I’ve gotta redecorate. No problem to a man of my calibre! So, gentle readers I now give you….
Day one – Monday 14th December
On the first day of Christmas I brought the ladder in and set it up safe on the stairs
With steam stripper in one hand and scraper in t’other I climbed up, a man with no cares.
First steam the paper, remove with the scraper, pretty soon I had finished the landing.
Then came the stairs, then the hall, stripping done! Tomorrow I’ll start on the sanding.
Day two – Tuesday 15th December
I woke up with back ache and neck ache and arm ache and sore eyes from all of the steam
I crawled out of bed, stabbing pains in my head and spent the whole day in a dream
Day three – Wednesday 16th December
I woke up refreshed, aching all gone and ready once more for the fray!
B&Q’s where I’m bound, it’s ten percent off on Wednesdays, it’s pensioners day
Loaded down like a hoss with undercoat, gloss, turps and sandpaper, large Polyfilla.
Wallpaper and paste and rollers and brushes, that bus journey home was a killer!
I made it back home and collapsed in a heap, my body was giving me warning
I’d best go to bed and get some more sleep, I’ll make a fresh start in the morning
Day four – Thursday 17th December
Now I had a plan, a masterful plan, a plan that would sort out this caper
I’ll cover the top of the walls with emulsion, the bottom I’ll cover with paper
I took up the carpet and put down the dust sheet, put the ladder back up on the stairwell
With emulsion and brush I started to paint, that’s when the ladder said farewell!
The dust sheet had slipped, the ladder had flipped and I took a dive off through the air!
Covered in paint and embarrassment, in a heap at the foot of the stair
I lay there in pain, not daring to move, home alone, out of reach of the phone
Gingerly moving a foot, then a leg, then an arm and let out a loud groan
I pulled myself up an inch at a time and looked around cursing and swearing
Paint on my head and my eyes and my mouth, by this time I’m really past caring
In agony all over I head for the shower, leaving a trail of wet paint
I washed the paint out of my hair and my eyes, the language I used was quite quaint
With sheets and with towels, anything I could find, I cleaned all the paint off the stairs
In pain foot to head I crawled into bed feeling that nobody cares.
Day five – Friday 18th December
Woke up still breathing, so that’s a relief, the rest of the news wasn’t good though
Stabbing pains in the rib, think it’s broke, that’s no fib and my left thumb’s all swelled up and yellow
Can’t move my neck, no skin on my arms and my back feels like someone just shot me
Bruised black and blue I gave up, wouldn’t you?, the DIY curse had just got me.
Day six – Saturday 19th December
Too injured to work, honest, no shirk! and Christmas was fast drawing near
No shopping done and no presents bought, this’ll all end in sorrow I fear.
Day seven – Sunday 20th December
It’s Sunday, a fun day, but fun’s gotta wait, time’s running out for the task
It’s back up with the ladder, minus dust sheet this time, my brave face was really a mask
In great pain I press on and at last it’s all done, the top walls are all freshly painted
I climbed off the ladder in pain head to toe, I tell ya I very near fainted.
But the hard part was done! No more climbing my son, the thought of that lifted my sorrow
I’m still feeling queasy but now things are easy, I’ll paint all the woodwork tomorrow
Day eight – Monday 21st December
Things now look good, I’ll just paint the wood and then paper the two bottom walls
Though still in a hurry I don’t have to worry about ladders and dust sheets and falls
I’m under the clock, I’ve gotta be quick, cos the days are just passing me by
A brush full of undercoat, one careless flick and a big blob of paint in me eye!
My friends, have no doubt, that paint don’t wash out with water and soap, it’s much worse
After rubbing and scrubbing ‘til my eyeball was raw I gave up and went to the Nurse!
With cotton wool balls and medical lotions she cleaned out my eye really good
But by this time I’d lost any notions of finishing painting the wood.
Day nine – Tuesday 22nd December
I’ve been put to the test, there’s no more time to rest , I’m half blind and my eyeball is popping
Finish the hall off to please all the guests and then make a start on the shopping.
This time, truth to tell, it all started off well although I was still feeling faint
I suppose that I knew, it’s too good to be true, halfway through it I ran out of paint!
Don’t make a fuss, just hop on the bus to the shop, one more tin, very nice.
But time’s such a worry, I hurry and scurry then, you’ve guessed it, I slipped on the ice
Soaked, sore and bruised, bleary eyed and confused, ankle twisted I’m limping and hopping
No time for self sorrow, there’s only tomorrow and Thursday to finish the shopping
I finished the undercoat, no time for the gloss, let it dry and then paper, job done
Then crawl into bed and lay down my head, tomorrow was gonna be fun
Day ten – Wednesday 23rd December
Today is my birthday, another year gone and still no grim reaper, Oh Joy!
It’s also my hurt day with head to toe pains and a bright golden haze in my eye
No time for self pity, pretend to be jolly, turkey, trimmings and all I could grab
Spare no expense, fill up the trolley then get it all home in a cab
That’s the groceries done, tomorrow, more fun, all the presents are yet to be bought
I lay down my head, feeling half dead, I’ll never get through it, I thought
Day eleven – Thursday 24th December
Up bright and early, a big day ahead, quick breakfast then off for the train
Into New Street still feeling half dead, just hope I can handle the strain
Debenhams, Body Shop, Marks and Sparks HMV and several others as well
Six hours on my feet but the list is complete, feeling good though I’ve just been through hell
Back home in a taxi, get in from the cold, time for a very stiff drink
Then sorting, unbagging, wrapping and tagging, everything’s done now, I think
Day twelve – Friday 25th December
Up at six-thirty, preparing the bird, got it into the oven for seven
Then back to bed for a couple of hours, that lot won’t be here ‘til eleven
Now, right on cue, here they all come, my sons and their wives, grandson Jack
My son Peter, the chef, takes over the cooking so I can relax and lie back
Drinks poured all round, along with the sound of carols and presents unwrapped
The look of delight on little Jacks face, well you know that it just can’t be capped.
Then sat down for dinner with my family around me just made the whole effort worth while
And when it was over, and everyone gone, I just had to sit there and smile
For all of them said what a great day they had and how well I had managed and all
Which was all very fine but I’m still on a line cos
Problem:
The hallway, stairs and landing are looking pretty tatty so with the family coming for Christmas I’ve gotta redecorate. No problem to a man of my calibre! So, gentle readers I now give you….
The Twelve Days Of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas I brought the ladder in and set it up safe on the stairs
With steam stripper in one hand and scraper in t’other I climbed up, a man with no cares.
First steam the paper, remove with the scraper, pretty soon I had finished the landing.
Then came the stairs, then the hall, stripping done! Tomorrow I’ll start on the sanding.
Day two – Tuesday 15th December
I woke up with back ache and neck ache and arm ache and sore eyes from all of the steam
I crawled out of bed, stabbing pains in my head and spent the whole day in a dream
Day three – Wednesday 16th December
I woke up refreshed, aching all gone and ready once more for the fray!
B&Q’s where I’m bound, it’s ten percent off on Wednesdays, it’s pensioners day
Loaded down like a hoss with undercoat, gloss, turps and sandpaper, large Polyfilla.
Wallpaper and paste and rollers and brushes, that bus journey home was a killer!
I made it back home and collapsed in a heap, my body was giving me warning
I’d best go to bed and get some more sleep, I’ll make a fresh start in the morning
Day four – Thursday 17th December
Now I had a plan, a masterful plan, a plan that would sort out this caper
I’ll cover the top of the walls with emulsion, the bottom I’ll cover with paper
I took up the carpet and put down the dust sheet, put the ladder back up on the stairwell
With emulsion and brush I started to paint, that’s when the ladder said farewell!
The dust sheet had slipped, the ladder had flipped and I took a dive off through the air!
Covered in paint and embarrassment, in a heap at the foot of the stair
I lay there in pain, not daring to move, home alone, out of reach of the phone
Gingerly moving a foot, then a leg, then an arm and let out a loud groan
I pulled myself up an inch at a time and looked around cursing and swearing
Paint on my head and my eyes and my mouth, by this time I’m really past caring
In agony all over I head for the shower, leaving a trail of wet paint
I washed the paint out of my hair and my eyes, the language I used was quite quaint
With sheets and with towels, anything I could find, I cleaned all the paint off the stairs
In pain foot to head I crawled into bed feeling that nobody cares.
Day five – Friday 18th December
Woke up still breathing, so that’s a relief, the rest of the news wasn’t good though
Stabbing pains in the rib, think it’s broke, that’s no fib and my left thumb’s all swelled up and yellow
Can’t move my neck, no skin on my arms and my back feels like someone just shot me
Bruised black and blue I gave up, wouldn’t you?, the DIY curse had just got me.
Day six – Saturday 19th December
Too injured to work, honest, no shirk! and Christmas was fast drawing near
No shopping done and no presents bought, this’ll all end in sorrow I fear.
Day seven – Sunday 20th December
It’s Sunday, a fun day, but fun’s gotta wait, time’s running out for the task
It’s back up with the ladder, minus dust sheet this time, my brave face was really a mask
In great pain I press on and at last it’s all done, the top walls are all freshly painted
I climbed off the ladder in pain head to toe, I tell ya I very near fainted.
But the hard part was done! No more climbing my son, the thought of that lifted my sorrow
I’m still feeling queasy but now things are easy, I’ll paint all the woodwork tomorrow
Day eight – Monday 21st December
Things now look good, I’ll just paint the wood and then paper the two bottom walls
Though still in a hurry I don’t have to worry about ladders and dust sheets and falls
I’m under the clock, I’ve gotta be quick, cos the days are just passing me by
A brush full of undercoat, one careless flick and a big blob of paint in me eye!
My friends, have no doubt, that paint don’t wash out with water and soap, it’s much worse
After rubbing and scrubbing ‘til my eyeball was raw I gave up and went to the Nurse!
With cotton wool balls and medical lotions she cleaned out my eye really good
But by this time I’d lost any notions of finishing painting the wood.
Day nine – Tuesday 22nd December
I’ve been put to the test, there’s no more time to rest , I’m half blind and my eyeball is popping
Finish the hall off to please all the guests and then make a start on the shopping.
This time, truth to tell, it all started off well although I was still feeling faint
I suppose that I knew, it’s too good to be true, halfway through it I ran out of paint!
Don’t make a fuss, just hop on the bus to the shop, one more tin, very nice.
But time’s such a worry, I hurry and scurry then, you’ve guessed it, I slipped on the ice
Soaked, sore and bruised, bleary eyed and confused, ankle twisted I’m limping and hopping
No time for self sorrow, there’s only tomorrow and Thursday to finish the shopping
I finished the undercoat, no time for the gloss, let it dry and then paper, job done
Then crawl into bed and lay down my head, tomorrow was gonna be fun
Day ten – Wednesday 23rd December
Today is my birthday, another year gone and still no grim reaper, Oh Joy!
It’s also my hurt day with head to toe pains and a bright golden haze in my eye
No time for self pity, pretend to be jolly, turkey, trimmings and all I could grab
Spare no expense, fill up the trolley then get it all home in a cab
That’s the groceries done, tomorrow, more fun, all the presents are yet to be bought
I lay down my head, feeling half dead, I’ll never get through it, I thought
Day eleven – Thursday 24th December
Up bright and early, a big day ahead, quick breakfast then off for the train
Into New Street still feeling half dead, just hope I can handle the strain
Debenhams, Body Shop, Marks and Sparks HMV and several others as well
Six hours on my feet but the list is complete, feeling good though I’ve just been through hell
Back home in a taxi, get in from the cold, time for a very stiff drink
Then sorting, unbagging, wrapping and tagging, everything’s done now, I think
Day twelve – Friday 25th December
Up at six-thirty, preparing the bird, got it into the oven for seven
Then back to bed for a couple of hours, that lot won’t be here ‘til eleven
Now, right on cue, here they all come, my sons and their wives, grandson Jack
My son Peter, the chef, takes over the cooking so I can relax and lie back
Drinks poured all round, along with the sound of carols and presents unwrapped
The look of delight on little Jacks face, well you know that it just can’t be capped.
Then sat down for dinner with my family around me just made the whole effort worth while
And when it was over, and everyone gone, I just had to sit there and smile
For all of them said what a great day they had and how well I had managed and all
Which was all very fine but I’m still on a line cos
None of them noticed the hall