J
Jerry
Guest
This was my third foray into the murky world of doggerel.
By now I'd got the bug big time and decided to go for something more ambitious, I'd promised my fan club something special and I didn't want to let the two of them down.
Like my first two efforts it was based on actual events - with a healthy dose of poetic licence thrown in for good measure
Right everyone, let’s get organised.
For starters can I have all the ladies from BRA down at the front where we can keep an eye on you
Kandor and John Young stop chucking stuff down off the balcony!
Postie, unhand that usherette ( she’s the only woman who ever carried a torch for me  :wink:  )
Hang on a minute, I think I just spotted Rod and Keith sneaking in the emergency exit !
Paulj, take your feet off the back of Sue’s chair, you’ll give her the hump.
Oh God! Now somebody’s took their shoes off. I give up!
Might as well get started.
Righ then, we’ll kick off with the short “B” feature, as you do, then we’ll have a break for refreshments before the main feature.
Here we go then.
An explorer I know made a bet he
Could climb up and catch him a Yeti
His friends said he couldn’t
His wife said he shouldn’t
Yet he caught him a Yeti named Betty
____________________________________________________________
There now, wasn’t that a fantastic opener?
I reckon anyone who wasn’t moved by that is a Tin Man!
Ok, the lady with the tray is on her way round with the refreshments.
None of that Haagen Daz foreign muck mind you
It’s Kia Ora or choc ices, that’s your lot
Right then, everyone settle down, here comes the main feature!
_____________________________________________________________
1956 was an eventful year,
Dwight Eisenhower was President of America
Anthony Eden was Prime Minister of Britain
Rocky Marciano retired undefeated as World Heavyweight champion and
Floyd Patterson took his place
You could watch The Billy Cotton Band Show on BBC or Sunday Night At The Palladium with Tommy Trinder on ATV
Marilyn Monroe married her third husband, Arthur Miller
And in Birmingham, two kids got into a bit of a scrape………………….
My friends, on our journey through life you’ll agree, we all have our burdens to carry
The first of these burdens came early for me in the form of a pal, name of Barry
Ducking and diving, dodging and skiving, at these things young Barry was skilled
But the reason that we were in trouble so much was that Barry was very weak willed.
Whatever my latest scheme was, however ill guided or scatty
Barry would always agree to it, I tell you that kid was just batty!
When I needed a Jiminy Cricket, a conscience to keep me from straying
Barry would urge me on instead and as usual we’d both end up paying
At this point, dear readers, I ought to explain, me and Barry looked like we were twins
An identical pair with bright ginger hair and freckles all over our skins
At the scene of the crime, when witnesses spoke, of seeing two red headed twins
Any thought of escape became just a joke,  once more we would pay for our sins
Bordesley Green was the scene of our final come-uppance in the summer of fifty-six
Heading home from school by Holt’s Snooker Hall just up from the old Elite Flicks
A shed, all fenced off, padlocked gate, water trough, about twelve little pigs and a sow!
An urban pig pen? common back then, the neighbours would frown on it now!
We climbed to the top of that creaky old fence to look at the porkers below
The sow rolling round in the mud on the ground with all of her piglets in tow
Now I’d never heard of Animal Lib, such things hadn’t yet been invented
But I looked at those piggies all crammed in that yard and thought “surely they can’t be contented”
A plan then took hold, a plan brave and bold, a plan that was simply mind-blowing
“We’ll break off the lock, release them en bloc and scarper with nobody knowing”
“Then the pigs can just roam, with the tip as their home, no longer squashed up in their pen.
And we’ll come every day to see them at play, when it’s raining we’ll build them a den”
Now this was the point, the fork in the road, where Barry should have just called a halt
But he didn’t, instead, “let’s do it” he said, so you see it was all Barry’s fault!
With a piece of scrap iron we forced off the hasp and gently swung open the gate
Then what happened next made us both gasp and regret what we’d done, but too late!
The piglets flew out, the fastest you’ve seen, followed full pelt by the sow
Not onto the Tip but to old Bordesley Green, “what on earth are we gonna do now?”
Pigs on the footpath, pigs on the road, the traffic just screeched to a stop.
Pigs in the Laundry, the Douro wine shop, pigs running round the Co-op
Pigs to the front, the rear and the flank, pigs in the Municipal (piggy?) Bank
Pigs in Wimbush’s, the underground loo, pigs running round in the Post Office queue
Pigs in Sheldon’s the Draper, cor what a caper!, pigs in the bar of the Vic.
Pigs in Wassall’s Shoe Shop, Hinwood’s Butchers (pork chop!) by now we were feeling right sick.
“Jerry what’ll we do?” said my pal brave and true, “I think that we’ve just come a cropper”
“I’m getting off home, I don’t know about you, but I think I just spotted a copper”
“If that copper clocks us we’ll be in the mire and this whole thing will end in great sorrow”
We’ll get out of this hole if we don’t tell a soul , we’ll meet in the schoolyard tomorrow”
Next day, at the school, we sighed with relief “looks like we’ve avoided disaster”
Then came the words that filled us with grief “you two, go and see the Headmaster”
Picture the scene in the headmasters study, Mr. Baynes and a burly P.C.
Waiting to question me and my buddy, in trouble and nowhere to flee!
“This policeman informs me that early last night some pigs were let loose on the Green”
This caused great distress and panic and mess but luckily the culprits were seen”
“Two boys of your age with bright ginger hair, the witnesses thought they were twins”
A fiver, I’d wage, that you were both there, are you ready to confess your sins?”
We both stood there sighing, no point in denying, our red hair had nailed us again
“it’s a fair cop I guess, we’ll just have to confess, it was us who broke open the pen”
“I suppose this means detention, but I’d just like to mention that we never intended no harm
When we let the pigs loose our only intention was to let them roam free, like a farm”
The PC then spoke “this wasn’t a joke, with danger this whole thing was fraught”
but lucky for you the owner won’t sue since the porkers were all safely caught”
The PC said goodbye and we both breathed a sigh of relief ‘til the Headmaster spoke
“what you did was absurd and I’ll be having a word with your parents” Oh no what a stroke!
Well I don’t want to dwell on what happened that night when our Dad learnt about my transgression
Suffice it to say that to this very day the thought of it causes depression.
Next morning at school we met in the yard, both suitably chastened and sore
“Barry I’ve something to say, though it’s hard, we can never be buddies no more”
“But why? Jerry mate, we get on so well, what’s happened? Is it something I’ve done?”
“It’s nothing you’ve done, in fact, truth to tell our friendship has really been fun”
“When my dad heard about what happened that night his temper just burst like a bubble”
“I had to explain, though it caused me great pain, it was your fault we got in this trouble”
“But I don’t understand” said Barry, my mate, “It’s you who thinks up all these capers”
“You’re always thinking up dodges and schemes, it’s a wonder we’re not in the papers”
“You say that it’s me? Well I don’t agree, what your saying is wide of the wicket
Ok I may think up the dodges and schemes but it’s your job to be Jiminy Cricket”
“You know who I mean, Pinocchio’s friend, his conscience, his pal all the way
Let’s face it old mate, I don’t mean to offend, but all you do is just lead me astray”
“And so it is time for parting the ways, each chapter in life has an end
But I want you to know, for the rest of our days, I hope I can still be your friend”
“so we said our goodbyes with tears in our eyes and now we must end this epistle
The last words I said are still here in my head, “when you’re in trouble just give me a whistle”
_____________________________________________________________
I shan’t bother with the credits, who’d want to take credit for that load of twaddle?
All stand for the Anthem please
There’s a wide selection of merchandise available in the foyer.
Long Johns. Winceyette nighties. Thermal socks etc.
Our sales staff will be happy to accept dollars, euros, all major credit cards and shekels.
As a famous pig used to say
th,th,th,that’s all folks!
By now I'd got the bug big time and decided to go for something more ambitious, I'd promised my fan club something special and I didn't want to let the two of them down.
Like my first two efforts it was based on actual events - with a healthy dose of poetic licence thrown in for good measure
Right everyone, let’s get organised.
For starters can I have all the ladies from BRA down at the front where we can keep an eye on you
Kandor and John Young stop chucking stuff down off the balcony!
Postie, unhand that usherette ( she’s the only woman who ever carried a torch for me  :wink:  )
Hang on a minute, I think I just spotted Rod and Keith sneaking in the emergency exit !
Paulj, take your feet off the back of Sue’s chair, you’ll give her the hump.
Oh God! Now somebody’s took their shoes off. I give up!
Might as well get started.
Righ then, we’ll kick off with the short “B” feature, as you do, then we’ll have a break for refreshments before the main feature.
Here we go then.
An explorer I know made a bet he
Could climb up and catch him a Yeti
His friends said he couldn’t
His wife said he shouldn’t
Yet he caught him a Yeti named Betty
____________________________________________________________
There now, wasn’t that a fantastic opener?
I reckon anyone who wasn’t moved by that is a Tin Man!
Ok, the lady with the tray is on her way round with the refreshments.
None of that Haagen Daz foreign muck mind you
It’s Kia Ora or choc ices, that’s your lot
Right then, everyone settle down, here comes the main feature!
_____________________________________________________________
1956 was an eventful year,
Dwight Eisenhower was President of America
Anthony Eden was Prime Minister of Britain
Rocky Marciano retired undefeated as World Heavyweight champion and
Floyd Patterson took his place
You could watch The Billy Cotton Band Show on BBC or Sunday Night At The Palladium with Tommy Trinder on ATV
Marilyn Monroe married her third husband, Arthur Miller
And in Birmingham, two kids got into a bit of a scrape………………….
My friends, on our journey through life you’ll agree, we all have our burdens to carry
The first of these burdens came early for me in the form of a pal, name of Barry
Ducking and diving, dodging and skiving, at these things young Barry was skilled
But the reason that we were in trouble so much was that Barry was very weak willed.
Whatever my latest scheme was, however ill guided or scatty
Barry would always agree to it, I tell you that kid was just batty!
When I needed a Jiminy Cricket, a conscience to keep me from straying
Barry would urge me on instead and as usual we’d both end up paying
At this point, dear readers, I ought to explain, me and Barry looked like we were twins
An identical pair with bright ginger hair and freckles all over our skins
At the scene of the crime, when witnesses spoke, of seeing two red headed twins
Any thought of escape became just a joke,  once more we would pay for our sins
Bordesley Green was the scene of our final come-uppance in the summer of fifty-six
Heading home from school by Holt’s Snooker Hall just up from the old Elite Flicks
A shed, all fenced off, padlocked gate, water trough, about twelve little pigs and a sow!
An urban pig pen? common back then, the neighbours would frown on it now!
We climbed to the top of that creaky old fence to look at the porkers below
The sow rolling round in the mud on the ground with all of her piglets in tow
Now I’d never heard of Animal Lib, such things hadn’t yet been invented
But I looked at those piggies all crammed in that yard and thought “surely they can’t be contented”
A plan then took hold, a plan brave and bold, a plan that was simply mind-blowing
“We’ll break off the lock, release them en bloc and scarper with nobody knowing”
“Then the pigs can just roam, with the tip as their home, no longer squashed up in their pen.
And we’ll come every day to see them at play, when it’s raining we’ll build them a den”
Now this was the point, the fork in the road, where Barry should have just called a halt
But he didn’t, instead, “let’s do it” he said, so you see it was all Barry’s fault!
With a piece of scrap iron we forced off the hasp and gently swung open the gate
Then what happened next made us both gasp and regret what we’d done, but too late!
The piglets flew out, the fastest you’ve seen, followed full pelt by the sow
Not onto the Tip but to old Bordesley Green, “what on earth are we gonna do now?”
Pigs on the footpath, pigs on the road, the traffic just screeched to a stop.
Pigs in the Laundry, the Douro wine shop, pigs running round the Co-op
Pigs to the front, the rear and the flank, pigs in the Municipal (piggy?) Bank
Pigs in Wimbush’s, the underground loo, pigs running round in the Post Office queue
Pigs in Sheldon’s the Draper, cor what a caper!, pigs in the bar of the Vic.
Pigs in Wassall’s Shoe Shop, Hinwood’s Butchers (pork chop!) by now we were feeling right sick.
“Jerry what’ll we do?” said my pal brave and true, “I think that we’ve just come a cropper”
“I’m getting off home, I don’t know about you, but I think I just spotted a copper”
“If that copper clocks us we’ll be in the mire and this whole thing will end in great sorrow”
We’ll get out of this hole if we don’t tell a soul , we’ll meet in the schoolyard tomorrow”
Next day, at the school, we sighed with relief “looks like we’ve avoided disaster”
Then came the words that filled us with grief “you two, go and see the Headmaster”
Picture the scene in the headmasters study, Mr. Baynes and a burly P.C.
Waiting to question me and my buddy, in trouble and nowhere to flee!
“This policeman informs me that early last night some pigs were let loose on the Green”
This caused great distress and panic and mess but luckily the culprits were seen”
“Two boys of your age with bright ginger hair, the witnesses thought they were twins”
A fiver, I’d wage, that you were both there, are you ready to confess your sins?”
We both stood there sighing, no point in denying, our red hair had nailed us again
“it’s a fair cop I guess, we’ll just have to confess, it was us who broke open the pen”
“I suppose this means detention, but I’d just like to mention that we never intended no harm
When we let the pigs loose our only intention was to let them roam free, like a farm”
The PC then spoke “this wasn’t a joke, with danger this whole thing was fraught”
but lucky for you the owner won’t sue since the porkers were all safely caught”
The PC said goodbye and we both breathed a sigh of relief ‘til the Headmaster spoke
“what you did was absurd and I’ll be having a word with your parents” Oh no what a stroke!
Well I don’t want to dwell on what happened that night when our Dad learnt about my transgression
Suffice it to say that to this very day the thought of it causes depression.
Next morning at school we met in the yard, both suitably chastened and sore
“Barry I’ve something to say, though it’s hard, we can never be buddies no more”
“But why? Jerry mate, we get on so well, what’s happened? Is it something I’ve done?”
“It’s nothing you’ve done, in fact, truth to tell our friendship has really been fun”
“When my dad heard about what happened that night his temper just burst like a bubble”
“I had to explain, though it caused me great pain, it was your fault we got in this trouble”
“But I don’t understand” said Barry, my mate, “It’s you who thinks up all these capers”
“You’re always thinking up dodges and schemes, it’s a wonder we’re not in the papers”
“You say that it’s me? Well I don’t agree, what your saying is wide of the wicket
Ok I may think up the dodges and schemes but it’s your job to be Jiminy Cricket”
“You know who I mean, Pinocchio’s friend, his conscience, his pal all the way
Let’s face it old mate, I don’t mean to offend, but all you do is just lead me astray”
“And so it is time for parting the ways, each chapter in life has an end
But I want you to know, for the rest of our days, I hope I can still be your friend”
“so we said our goodbyes with tears in our eyes and now we must end this epistle
The last words I said are still here in my head, “when you’re in trouble just give me a whistle”
_____________________________________________________________
I shan’t bother with the credits, who’d want to take credit for that load of twaddle?
All stand for the Anthem please
There’s a wide selection of merchandise available in the foyer.
Long Johns. Winceyette nighties. Thermal socks etc.
Our sales staff will be happy to accept dollars, euros, all major credit cards and shekels.
As a famous pig used to say
th,th,th,that’s all folks!
