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BITS AND PIECES

  • Thread starter Thread starter Jerry
  • Start date Start date
J

Jerry

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Right girls, I hope you’ve all got a box of tissues to hand - here we go


Chapter one

Lorraine

I first met Lorraine on the banks of the Seine, our meeting was purely by chance
She was on holiday like me and straight away I could see that fate had arranged this romance

It was love at first sight and we danced through the night and embraced as the new morning broke
It was clear that our lives were forever entwined, we knew it though neither one spoke.

We stood at the back of the boat on the Seine, I adored her and leaned over to tell her
It was then that I managed to trip her somehow and she fell right into the propeller

I dived overboard with my heart in my mouth, “Oh Lord let me save her I beg”
There were bits of her flying to north and to south, all I could grab was an arm and a leg.

I have them here now in my freezer at home to remind me of my love Lorraine
Her arm and her leg both wrapped up in foam, so sad that we won’t meet again
___________________________________________________________

Chapter two

Brenda

To get over the pain of losing Lorraine, I next took a journey to Spain
It was there I met Brenda, at a holiday hacienda, and fell madly in love once again

All reason was lost as we sailed round the Costas, with Cupid’s love darts we were smote
One night on a whim we decided to swim and set sail from the coast in a boat

The full moon was bright, we were filled with delight and I pushed Brenda in for a lark
Imagine my shock and my horror and fright when I spotted the incoming shark

I helplessly suffered the terrible sight of the shark as on Brenda he fed
And when he had finished, all that was left, was an arm and a leg and her head

I have them here too in my freezer at home to remind me of what might have been
They’ll always be with me wherever I roam, wrapped safely in clear polythene

________________________________________________________


Chapter three

Maryanne

To help heal my heart, I next did depart, for Africa and the Sudan
I rode to Khartoum in a camel safari and it was here I met Sweet Maryanne

She was all that I’d dreamed of with long golden hair, again it was love at first sight
My love I declared, a love that she shared, and we sat hand in hand through the night

We decided next day to just sneak away and be by ourselves, hearts aquiver
With love we were smote so we hired a small boat and sailed off alone down the river

We sat there that night in the silver moonlight and toasted our love with champagne
And brandy and schnapps and whisky and gin, we toasted again and again

Mary sat down in the back of the boat and lowered her head o’er the Nile
Next thing I knew she was grabbed by the throat in the jaws of a huge crocodile

It pulled Mary out of the boat by her throat, a beast twelve feet long, maybe more so
I grabbed hold of her waist but the croc ate the rest, all that’s left now is poor Mary’s torso

And now I’m bereft, it’s all I have left to remind me of that tragic caper
I’ve got it at home, in the freezer of course, wrapped up in best grease proof paper

__________________________________________________________

Chapter four

Getting It Together

Last week in a bookshop in Rome I discovered a dusty old rare magic book
Gold inlaid pages, black leather covered, I couldn’t help taking a look

Inside it I’ve found the answer I’ve sought to my sadness, my grief and my strife
A spell that will summon a demon from hell, one who brings bits and pieces to life

I’ve laid out the pieces, the bits that remain, of Lorraine and of Brenda and Mary
I’ve recited the words of the spell so arcane even though I’ll admit it was scary

Now I await to find out my fate and I feel the whole room start to tremble
The demon appears, the cause of my fears, and the body bits start to assemble

Amidst all the flames and the smoke, thick and heady, from the table a shadowy figure now rises
It’s moving toward me, limping, unsteady ( not surprising, it’s legs are of different sizes )

The smoke has now cleared and it’s worse than I feared, I’ve done something I just hadn’t oughta
Run for the hills! Flee for your lives! I’ve gone and made

Janet Street Porter!


( Sorry girls, the devil made me do it! ) :twisted:

Actually it was the BAR men, which is pretty much the same. 8)
 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got 'ere before d'wimmin!

JD, you just get better by the second. Good story, good verse... very well told.

I pronounce you BARmen's Poet Laureate.
 
Bits with bites

Jerry D elighted :lol:

Brilliance of Our Poet laureate, 8) a credit sirrah,

Well done Buddy (Mmmh suggest you go into hiding,, Mmh NOW :?: )

Waiting for the proverbial "hit the fan scenerio" :oops: John
 
Once more unto .......

Absolutely brilliant Jerry! truly thou art a God amongst men...you'll be beating off marriage proposals for weeks from the member of BRA cos of this...just dont take them anywhere near water. :wink:
Hmmm then again...
 
Bits and pieces.

The gals will kill me, but Jerry it was great, funny and clever, please write one for your fellow BARMEN.(Dont mention Kandors blue eyes)Jackie
 
:D Sorry to disappoint 'The BARmen' But I also think it is a brilliant poem. :lol: :lol: :lol:

It just goes to show that BRA Wimmin, recognize a well written piece when we read it. 8)
Keep them coming jerryd :) xxx

Chris :)
 
And, may I give credit where credit is due and congratulate Jackie on being the only BRAbird to get here... well done, Jackie... Wanna join the lads?
 
Be still my beating heart.

Yes Pom, in answer to your request (in a pm to me)
You can join BAR secretly...er..um..oops.
 
The poem that reaches parts others cannot reach?

Very Good Jerry - again

Not as convincing as the pig escapade :roll: , but equally funny
 
Sea of love

Wouldn't you think by now that these pathetic creatures would stop trying to divide and separate us gals in BRA. I agree with Chris and Jackie a lovely poem from the quill of the great Jerry. Such a tender piece about love divided by an ocean and put back together again, made me cry.
 
Another great poem from BAR MENS LAUREATE

Sorry Jerry but we BRA gals are all busy on Saturday, or we'd love to go on the Tame with you. :?
 
Love the poems JerryD :lol: :lol: :lol: ........ I'd love to read something serious that you had written too? perhaps a new project? :wink:
 
Sorry Paul I seem to have a way of putting my foot in it? Jerry's poem is superb, he should be a published poet (IF HES NOT ALREADY?) Anyway, that aside, I just thought that with the abilty he has, he might try a poem with some serious subject matter, of course he might have done that too? We have some smashing poets on this site, I tell all those folk I know who like poetry all about the quality of our posters!!
 
Oh Jerry

I've just read your poem again with my mate Bob..It's absolutely hilarious, how I wish I had one tenth of your talent!
Mind you, 4 Lagers and a large Jim Beam makes it even funnier! ahh well on to even more drink! 8)
 
Thanks everyone for all your kind postings, I sort of got the feeling that some people didn't quite know how to react to this latest poem at first, it was a departure from the previous ones. 8)
As regards being a published poet, the truth is I'd never written a poem in my life until the first one I posted here.
I've always had an affinity for the written word and felt that I might be able to write something half decent given the time.
Well I've never had that spare time until now
I've cut myself down to working three days a week and hope to retire completely at Christmas ( when I turn 60 :cry: )
So now I've got some spare time I'm gonna give it a go :roll:
As for writing a serious poem I'm a bit worried that I might just turn out something self-indulgent and pretentious but I'll give it some thought and if I can think of a suitable subject I'll give it a bash
if not you'll just have to put up with the usual rubbish :wink:
 
JD.

Funny that, some of my favourite things have the initials 'JD'
There's JD the funny and in my opinion impossible to be pretentious Poet.
There's Jack Daniels, John Denver and Jimmy Durante (I kid you not)
Must be a set of lucky initials.
And on a final note...it doesn't matter if you do turn out rubbish...Rod lets me post mine..
(Just off for a drive now in my trusty old Hillman)
 
Sorry BRA members I'm so late - it's because I was running in the wrong direction!

Super super super poem - my family all loved it. It reminded me of the way CJ Dennis wrote in "Sentimental Bloke". Very talented (JD I mean)

I've loved all the pieces you have written. Encore and standing ovation!
 
I think you go where you heart takes you Jerry, and that's got to be the best way to write.

Keep 'em coming, you can see we all love 'em. :D
 
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