Oisin
gone but not forgotten
It's hard to believe but this one is fiction...
THE LAST BLIND DATE
Cilla stands facing the camera, teeth sparkling, hands clasped together in front of her as she announces, ‘And we’ll be hearing how Linda and Malcolm got on after the break. Just to remind you, this is the moment the screen went back.’ A video recording is played of the lucky couple embracing and smiling while, Cilla holding out envelopes with a big grin asks, ‘Now, who’s going to choose?’
Immediately the hands of both contestants disappear behind their backs. After some deliberation, Linda waggles her hips and makes the choice. Her dark eyes light with enthusiasm as she opens the envelope. ‘Whoooee! A date in Arizona!’
Aping a third rate soccer player who has just scored a hat trick, Malcolm, an under-weight weed with gelled blond hair, bends his elbows and raises his clenched fists in front of him while his mouth forms a silent ‘Yes!’
Linda is relieved of the ordeal of reading out the bigger words on the card by Cilla taking it from her. ‘Yes, you’ll be flown out as V.I.Ps and transferred to a luxury hotel. During your stay you will have the opportunity to try your hands at being cowboys, riding quarter horses. Then you’ll visit the Grand Canyon and explore the magnificent views from your own private aeroplane.’
She takes a breath while she waits for the audience’s ‘Whooo!’ to subside.
‘On landing,’ Cilla continues, ‘you’ll be transferred to a raft for a ride on the white waters of the Colorado River.’
There is much flashing of cheesy smiles and biting of bottom lips all around, ‘Now you will come back and let us know how you got on, won’t you?’ Cilla prompts.
‘Of course,’ the happy couple reply in unison. Then, while carrying on some inaudible conversation, they skip up the steps and briefly pause to wave at the audience before leaving the set hand in hand.
[The applause of the audience is interrupted by a three-minute commercial break before the programme recommences back in the studio.]
The camera zooms in on Cilla doing a rabbit impression, while her spindly legs wobble on her stiletto-heeled mules. ‘So lets see how our cowboy couple got on in Arizona, shall we?’ A short clip of Malcolm attempting to lasso Linda, and generally acting like a moronic juvenile both on and off horses, is shown. It continues with scenes of them peering out the window of a small light aircraft, and then some distance shots of them riding a rubber raft down rock-strewn rapids.
Back in the studio Cilla begins to gargle again. ‘Now it’s time to find out if a white water ride will lead to a white wedding bride. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back Linda and…err…’ she glances in the direction of the sofa, ‘…Malcolm, or is it?’ She shoots another glance at someone hidden off camera in the studio, then puts on a deadpan face and looks directly into the camera. ‘Well, to be perfectly honest, folks, this blind date didn’t turn out exactly how we had planned it. It’s quite a unique story, so I’ll leave Linda to tell it. And here she is, folks – Linda!’ She skips and nearly trips over a low step on her way over to where Linda is sitting with the Stetsoned stranger. ‘So, Linda, love, come on, tell us what happened, chuck?’
‘Well,’ Linda raises a wry smile and wriggle the hem of the tight green dress a little further down her thighs, ‘it was like I said after the show. When Malcolm chose number three, I was absolutely delighted that I’d won. But immediately the screen went back, I sensed that little lecherous bugger undressing me with his eyes, and I suppose,’ She shrugs, ‘things just went downhill from there.
‘After the post-show meal he was banging on the door, trying to break into my hotel room. Then when we were getting on the plane I felt his clammy little hand groping up my skirt. I’m not joking, Cilla, just the thought of it makes me shudder even now. During the flight he never stopped about us joining the Mile High Club. The filthy sod even suggested we do ‘it’ in the aircraft toilet!’
‘Quite a little gentleman our Malcolm then, eh?’ Cilla chips in, for want of something to say as much as anything. ‘So, tell me, Linda, love, who’s this handsome hunk you’ve brought with you tonight?’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, Cilla,’ Linda gives a girlish giggle. ‘This is Brett. He was the pilot who flew us over the Grand Canyon.’
‘So he flew you over there, now you’ve flown him back here?’ Cilla echoes Linda’s giggle. ‘Why, howdy, Brett,’ she drawls at her guest in a corny western accent.
‘Howdy, ma’am,’ he replies, tipping the brim of his Stetson, as if mimicking Cilla’s parody of himself - but he isn’t. His hand drops into Linda’s lap, seeking a comforting squeeze. She responds accordingly.
‘So,’ Cilla continues, ‘what did Malcolm think of your association with young Brett here?’
Linda’s mouth forms into a cross between an embarrassed smile and a grimace. ‘Well, Cilla, that was the last straw. Malcolm clocked me clicking Brett in the plane. By the time we landed and got onto the raft, he was seething with a violent attack of jealousy. He called me a cheap black-haired whore, amongst other things that I cannot repeat on prime-time television.
‘Anyway one thing led to another and he eventually became physically violent. Quite honestly, Cilla, I thought I was in danger of being raped. The raft was bobbing about all over the place. There was water splashing about everywhere. It was taking the man who was steering the thing all his time to keep it under control, so he couldn’t help me. Malcolm was tearing at my clothes. While I was trying to defend myself, I suppose the fastenings on his life jacket must have come undone. I’m not exactly sure how it occurred; he could have taken it off to move more freely, but sometime during the struggle, the jacket slipped off him. It was really frightening. He was all over me, trying his best to pin me down; the raft was lurching all over the place and I thought I was going to die. Then it happened: The raft struck a huge boulder and Malcolm was pitched headlong, straight over the bow and into the current. God, was I relieved?’
‘Bet that cooled him off,’ Cilla quips. ‘Do I take it, from what you’ve told me, you two won’t be seeing one another again?’ Another Cilla giggle.
‘Cilla,’ Linda breaths an exasperated sigh, ‘it’s doubtful if anyone will ever see him again. They haven’t found him yet! And do you know what? I was so upset by that weedy little pervert with those filthy aspirations above his station, I couldn’t really give a damn what’s happened to him. It’s just seems a pity that such a beautiful place as the Grand Canyon may be littered with his remains.’
Quite out of character, Cilla’s expression shows signs of nervous tension. ‘Well, Linda, what can I say? I’m sorry things didn’t turn out better than they did for you.’
Linda’s face bursts into the glow of a warm relaxed smile as she pats Brett’s hand again. ‘But it couldn’t have been better,’ she beams at her beau, ‘I’ve got my man and everything’s wonderful, isn’t it, Brett?’
‘Sure is,’ he concurs with an equally broad smile.
‘So, Cilla,’ Linda picks up again, ‘I’ve only got one last thing to tell you: Get yer ‘at out!’
THE END
THE LAST BLIND DATE
Cilla stands facing the camera, teeth sparkling, hands clasped together in front of her as she announces, ‘And we’ll be hearing how Linda and Malcolm got on after the break. Just to remind you, this is the moment the screen went back.’ A video recording is played of the lucky couple embracing and smiling while, Cilla holding out envelopes with a big grin asks, ‘Now, who’s going to choose?’
Immediately the hands of both contestants disappear behind their backs. After some deliberation, Linda waggles her hips and makes the choice. Her dark eyes light with enthusiasm as she opens the envelope. ‘Whoooee! A date in Arizona!’
Aping a third rate soccer player who has just scored a hat trick, Malcolm, an under-weight weed with gelled blond hair, bends his elbows and raises his clenched fists in front of him while his mouth forms a silent ‘Yes!’
Linda is relieved of the ordeal of reading out the bigger words on the card by Cilla taking it from her. ‘Yes, you’ll be flown out as V.I.Ps and transferred to a luxury hotel. During your stay you will have the opportunity to try your hands at being cowboys, riding quarter horses. Then you’ll visit the Grand Canyon and explore the magnificent views from your own private aeroplane.’
She takes a breath while she waits for the audience’s ‘Whooo!’ to subside.
‘On landing,’ Cilla continues, ‘you’ll be transferred to a raft for a ride on the white waters of the Colorado River.’
There is much flashing of cheesy smiles and biting of bottom lips all around, ‘Now you will come back and let us know how you got on, won’t you?’ Cilla prompts.
‘Of course,’ the happy couple reply in unison. Then, while carrying on some inaudible conversation, they skip up the steps and briefly pause to wave at the audience before leaving the set hand in hand.
[The applause of the audience is interrupted by a three-minute commercial break before the programme recommences back in the studio.]
The camera zooms in on Cilla doing a rabbit impression, while her spindly legs wobble on her stiletto-heeled mules. ‘So lets see how our cowboy couple got on in Arizona, shall we?’ A short clip of Malcolm attempting to lasso Linda, and generally acting like a moronic juvenile both on and off horses, is shown. It continues with scenes of them peering out the window of a small light aircraft, and then some distance shots of them riding a rubber raft down rock-strewn rapids.
Back in the studio Cilla begins to gargle again. ‘Now it’s time to find out if a white water ride will lead to a white wedding bride. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back Linda and…err…’ she glances in the direction of the sofa, ‘…Malcolm, or is it?’ She shoots another glance at someone hidden off camera in the studio, then puts on a deadpan face and looks directly into the camera. ‘Well, to be perfectly honest, folks, this blind date didn’t turn out exactly how we had planned it. It’s quite a unique story, so I’ll leave Linda to tell it. And here she is, folks – Linda!’ She skips and nearly trips over a low step on her way over to where Linda is sitting with the Stetsoned stranger. ‘So, Linda, love, come on, tell us what happened, chuck?’
‘Well,’ Linda raises a wry smile and wriggle the hem of the tight green dress a little further down her thighs, ‘it was like I said after the show. When Malcolm chose number three, I was absolutely delighted that I’d won. But immediately the screen went back, I sensed that little lecherous bugger undressing me with his eyes, and I suppose,’ She shrugs, ‘things just went downhill from there.
‘After the post-show meal he was banging on the door, trying to break into my hotel room. Then when we were getting on the plane I felt his clammy little hand groping up my skirt. I’m not joking, Cilla, just the thought of it makes me shudder even now. During the flight he never stopped about us joining the Mile High Club. The filthy sod even suggested we do ‘it’ in the aircraft toilet!’
‘Quite a little gentleman our Malcolm then, eh?’ Cilla chips in, for want of something to say as much as anything. ‘So, tell me, Linda, love, who’s this handsome hunk you’ve brought with you tonight?’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, Cilla,’ Linda gives a girlish giggle. ‘This is Brett. He was the pilot who flew us over the Grand Canyon.’
‘So he flew you over there, now you’ve flown him back here?’ Cilla echoes Linda’s giggle. ‘Why, howdy, Brett,’ she drawls at her guest in a corny western accent.
‘Howdy, ma’am,’ he replies, tipping the brim of his Stetson, as if mimicking Cilla’s parody of himself - but he isn’t. His hand drops into Linda’s lap, seeking a comforting squeeze. She responds accordingly.
‘So,’ Cilla continues, ‘what did Malcolm think of your association with young Brett here?’
Linda’s mouth forms into a cross between an embarrassed smile and a grimace. ‘Well, Cilla, that was the last straw. Malcolm clocked me clicking Brett in the plane. By the time we landed and got onto the raft, he was seething with a violent attack of jealousy. He called me a cheap black-haired whore, amongst other things that I cannot repeat on prime-time television.
‘Anyway one thing led to another and he eventually became physically violent. Quite honestly, Cilla, I thought I was in danger of being raped. The raft was bobbing about all over the place. There was water splashing about everywhere. It was taking the man who was steering the thing all his time to keep it under control, so he couldn’t help me. Malcolm was tearing at my clothes. While I was trying to defend myself, I suppose the fastenings on his life jacket must have come undone. I’m not exactly sure how it occurred; he could have taken it off to move more freely, but sometime during the struggle, the jacket slipped off him. It was really frightening. He was all over me, trying his best to pin me down; the raft was lurching all over the place and I thought I was going to die. Then it happened: The raft struck a huge boulder and Malcolm was pitched headlong, straight over the bow and into the current. God, was I relieved?’
‘Bet that cooled him off,’ Cilla quips. ‘Do I take it, from what you’ve told me, you two won’t be seeing one another again?’ Another Cilla giggle.
‘Cilla,’ Linda breaths an exasperated sigh, ‘it’s doubtful if anyone will ever see him again. They haven’t found him yet! And do you know what? I was so upset by that weedy little pervert with those filthy aspirations above his station, I couldn’t really give a damn what’s happened to him. It’s just seems a pity that such a beautiful place as the Grand Canyon may be littered with his remains.’
Quite out of character, Cilla’s expression shows signs of nervous tension. ‘Well, Linda, what can I say? I’m sorry things didn’t turn out better than they did for you.’
Linda’s face bursts into the glow of a warm relaxed smile as she pats Brett’s hand again. ‘But it couldn’t have been better,’ she beams at her beau, ‘I’ve got my man and everything’s wonderful, isn’t it, Brett?’
‘Sure is,’ he concurs with an equally broad smile.
‘So, Cilla,’ Linda picks up again, ‘I’ve only got one last thing to tell you: Get yer ‘at out!’
THE END
