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THE LAND OF OZMALIA

K

Kate

Guest
Once upon a time there was a little country called Ozmalia where absolutely no animals lived. There were no orangutans - never were, never will be and they are absolutely banned. In fact, all animals are banned. The people are strict vegetarians and grow massive carrots. Because they have no animal products to make their clothing they tend to drape themselves in robes made from gum leaves imported from a far away land called Taswegia and the tailfeathers of a rare bird from a place called Zealand. In return they trade their huge carrots which are highly sought after.

The men of the land are extremely handsome, tall and broad shouldered and the women, whose names all begin with the letters s-u-e - are very beautiful. The most important woman in the land, Sue-Patty, has just passed a law decreeing ...
 
..........carrots MUST be eaten with every meal, and taxes are to be raised to invest in carrot sanctuaries, where people experiencing the deepest of troubles can come and find solice in carrot a l'orange, prepared by the menfolk, who wear traditional orange aprons for the feast.

Unfortuneately no one thought of the impact of this on................
 
share prices of carrots. The global economy was plunged into chaos. The price of goods soared, especially ...
 
... the eyesight of the natives. Not only did it give them the exceptional ability to see in the dark but also x-ray vision. This was particularly enjoyed by the men who only had to gaze at a pretty maiden in a leaf to see...

... It also gave Kate the ability to type and post before I could get my thoughts onto paper.
i7pfrusty.gif
 
:D ...That law once again had to have a change and the mighty carrot would once more have to be returned to it's original colour of Purple.
In order to do this a great boat would have to be built and return to Holland to find out the secret formula they used in order to change the colour to orange in the first place.
The task of building the boat was proving hard because...
 
......gum and carrot leaves are useless at keeping out water, Feathers could keep out the water, but it was difficult to find enough birds to pluck. In this dire emergency the call was sent out to the..........
 
...........Orangutan Society who lived on a nearby island.

The orangutans being veggies, had great empathy with the Ozmalians, but refused to help them in this instance due to being banned from the island. In desperation, Suey-Chop (another absolutely drop dead gorgeous female Ozmalian - as were all the female species) suggested that the menfolk should be made to.............
 
....wear their aprons back to front.

Undaunted the women folk called upon Rooster Booser, to help tar and feather their boat. And so the long journey to Holland began, with the Orangutan Socitey standing on the pier looking foolish.

Sue Ming, the beautiful Captain of the boat had to decide.........
 
..was she going to wear a white dress with red accessories...or should she wear a red dress with white accessories.......how she secretly longed to be a man and not face these daily dilemmas.
She consoled herself with a packet of salt and vinigar crisps, and nibbled on a raw carrot..............then in the distance she spotted another vessel...........she signalled to Sue-Mo (the navigator) to go full steam ahead, but danger lay before them, Sue Ming was assuming that.................
 
this could be a pirate ship from Zealand or Taswegia, trying to learn the secret to growing such wonderful carrots for themselves and so cease trade with the Ozmalians. Sue-Dotty, a very wise and important member of the community, quickly gathered the crew on board and they hatched a plan to defend themselves from the invading vessel which was growing ever closer. The ladies all cheered when they heard Sue-Dotty's plan and quickly started to change their garments. The invading crew were stunned when they came in range to see ...
 
...............a ship containing Sue-Do's, these were not genuinne Ozmalian woman, but having the appearance of the species.............they were then able to use their disguise to....................
 
:D ...Determine that the other vessel far from being manned by any kind of foe was in fact full of Pomgolians. These people were from a land not far from Holland that went by the name of Pommy Land, but for unknown reasons many of the Pomgolians had been shipped to a small Island off the South East coast Taswegia at Hell Gate The Pom’s had managed to escape their gaolers and were no longer Pom’s-in-gaol and were willing to…
 
Over to you pommies ... I have some ideas I'm keeping close to me chest/bosom... :)
 
... pals. This idea involved dying carrots yellow and passing them off as hard ban...
 
...gers, to go with the carrots. This idea was vetoed, as you will be if you go off thread again Paul, :roll: and the Poms came to the aid of Sue Ming. After an evening of merriment on board the Super Slooper nibbling crisps and carrots...........
 
... Paul scrambled onboard via the anchor chain, sporting a banana in each ear, cos he'd never heard of a yellow banger or even Bangor, which of course is in Wales.

'He's back again!' ranted the savage pack of rabid Ozamalian wimmin, 'Push him overboard... Feed him to the Ozmalian sharks!'

But Paul was made of sterner stuff. He had lived most of his formative years in winson Green and Handsorth and in his latter life completed a sentence in the former, so these colonial upstarts were of little consequence to him. 'Be hanged,' he said, ''Tis the rest of you who are off topic and not me!'

With that a giant...
 
.............goat appeared, offering free milk in return for some carrots. sadly he was ignored as no one spoke goatie.......then..like a flash........Paul reappeared and said he had grown a goatie once and offered to help....again to no avail.....so he donned his pinny and made everyone a nice cuppa tea, collecting the goats milk for the tea was awesome to watch, and soon Paul was.................
 
..dead tired, so Captain Sue Ming took over fom him. The goat somewhat appeased by the offer of carrots in return for her milk co-operated, and soon there was enough milk for...........
 
.......a cup of cocoa for every crew member. They gave up the idea of purple carrots, sailed back to Ozmania and lived happily ever after.

well somebody had to finish it.
 
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